Salam Aidil Adha

Esok umat Islam akan menyambut Hari raya Aidiladha atau sinonimnya Hari Raya Korban. Ramai staf UiTM Johor yang dah mula bercuti mulai hari ini. Mengambil peluang cuti Hari Raya bersekali dengan cuti sekolah agaknya. Aku masih lagi bekerja dan akan balik kampung malam nanti.

Biar apa pun yang pernah/akan kita korbankan dalam hidup ini, biarlah ianya dilakukan dengan ikhlas dan semata-mata kerana ALLAH. Ianya akan menjanjikan pulangan yang cukup manis kelak. InsyaAllah..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha.

Enam Bulan

Sudah 6 bulan Ijam meninggalkan aku dan Danish untuk selamanya. Tempoh 6 bulan pertama hidup tanpa dia nyata amat payah. Semuanya terasa canggung dan serba tak kena. Sehingga satu ketika, aku rasa tak nak keluar rumah sebab rasa serba tak kena keluar tanpa suami. Dalam masa yang sama, aku tak nak orang tanya di mana suami. Pertanyaan lazim yang akan ditanya bila melihat aku berdua aje dengan Danish. Jadi rasanya lebih baik mengelak daripada menjawab soalan2 yang macam tu. 6 bulan jugalah aku harungi segalanya dengan seribu satu kepayahan. Dari urusan peribadi sampailah segala macam urusan yang aku tak pernah buat sebelum ini aku terpaksa lalui juga. Payah dan peritnya hanya ALLAH yang tahu.

6 bulan juga belum cukup untuk buat Danish mengerti. Dia masih lagi beranggapan yang papanya akan balik. Banyak kali dia cakap "bila papa adik balik nanti..."
Semalam aku bawa dia gunting rambut. Aku saja je puji2 dia hensem bila gunting rambut nanti. Dia seronok sangat bila dipuji2 hensem dan dengan bersahaja dan senyum manis dia kata "nanti bila papa adik dah balik, papa adik kata hensemnya adik dah gunting rambut..."

Sebelum tu, dalam minggu lepas, dia teman aku masak dan dia puji2 bau masakan tu sedap. Tak taulah fakta ke auta...hehehe...[nota: Danish memang manis mulut macam papa dia..:)] padahal aku masak nasi goreng je..hehehe...
Lepas tu dia kata, "bila papa adik balik nanti, papa eat mama masak, papa kata sedapnya bau...."
Dah terlalu kerap sebenarnya dia cakap phrase tu.... yang pastinya, dia belum faham yang papanya tak akan balik lagi sampai bila2 pun. Satu-satunya peluang untuk kami bertemu semula hanyalah di dalam syurga. Itupun hanya dengan izin Allah.

Mengenangkan peluang bertemu yang entahkan ada entahkan tidak, membuatkan aku selalu berdoa: "Ya Allah! masukkanlah kami ke dalam syurgamu tanpa dihisab Ya Allah... Ketemukanlah kami semula di dalam syurgaMu sebagai satu keluarga. "
Harapan aku cuma satu - ALLAH perkenankan doa aku dan kami dapat bersatu semula.

UPSR

Keputusan UPSR dah pun keluar semalam dan khabar gembira - Kak Chik dan Luqman (anak2 saudara) berjaya dapat 5A. Memang tak sangka Luqman boleh skor 5A. Bukan tak pandai, tapi budak lelaki...kurang serius mentelaah dan banyak sangat main. Tapi bila dah rezeki, macam mana pun akan jadi hak juga.

Teringat zaman aku UPSR dulu. Belum betul2 ada kesedaran tentang betapa pentingnya lulus cemerlang walaupun masih di peringkat UPSR. Budak kampung, sekolah luar bandar pulak tuh...:) aku lebih teruja main polis sentri dan baling tin dari selak buku sekolah. Alahai...betul2 perangai budak2. Aku mula serius belajar masa SPM je. Syukur juga belum terlambat masa sedar tu, kalau tidak...???? Kalaulah dapat diundur masa..hehehe...

Tahniah untuk Luqman dan Kak Chik...Mak Itam doakan kalian terus berjaya dunia & akhirat. InsyaAllah....

Pertama Kali

Sudah 2 hari aku terlibat secara langsung dengan pengendalian final exam. Bob terpaksa balik kampung sebab bapanya kurang sihat. Urusan peperiksaan akhir berada di bawah tanggungjawab aku untuk pertama kalinya. Syukur ada staf2 yang sangat berpengalaman dan sangat2 membantu.

Untuk pertama kalinya aku melihat sendiri senario dan keadaan di Bahagian HEA setiap kali musim peperiksaan. Semalam, first time dengar perkataan "pecah bundle" dan melalui sendiri pengalaman melakukan "pecah bundle". Best sangat cuba sesuatu yang baru...Macam budak baru masuk sekolah..semuanya rasa menyeronokkan. Aku dapat juga belajar tentang kemasukan markah peperiksaan yang selama ini sangat2 asing bagi aku. Kadang2 blur jugak juga tapi aku tetap kontrol cun..hehehe.. dalam hati tetap berdoa semoga ALLAH mempermudahkan segala urusan. Alhamdulillah, setakat ni tiada masalah yang besar. Exam berjalan lancar.

Dalam hidup kita perlu melalui banyak pengalaman 'pertama kali'. Yang penting, kita cuba lakukan yang 'pertama kali' itu dengan betul (Do It Right First Time).

Mimpi dan Rindu

Kita seringkali bermimpi. Sama ada mimpi yang indah atau sebaliknya. Ada yang berkata mimpi itu mainan tidur. Namun seringkali juga mimpi memberikan alamat tertentu kepada yang empunya diri.

Malam semalam aku bermimpikan Ijam. Dah lama jugak aku tak 'berjumpa' dia sebenarnya. Mimpi yang indah tu walaupun hanya sekejap dapat menghilangkan rindu aku padanya. Renungan mata dan sentuhannya di wajah aku buat aku benar-benar kenal yang itu adalah Ijam. Pandangan yang penuh dengan kasih sayang masih lagi sama seperti dulu. Tiada kata, tiada pesan, cuma renungan dan sentuhan yang sangat sebentar. Walau cuma sebentar, tapi sangat terkesan dalam hati.

Biarlah walaupun mungkin ianya hanya mainan tidur. Sekurang-kurangnya ia mainan yang menenangkan jiwa. Mainan yang mampu mengurangkan sedikit beban kerinduan yang aku tanggung. Aku mengharapkan agar mimpi itu datang lagi malam ini.

Rindunya saya kat awak Be!

A story worth sharing

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed.
When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble.
When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control.

Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn’t help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart....

"Dear Mummy,I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn’t help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?"

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

Hari Pertama

Hari pertama bertugas di HEA dan PJI. Setengah hari pertama adalah briefing dan sesi berkenalan dengan staf HEA dan juga PJI. Malu juga walaupun semuanya dah kenal...:). Menerima taklimat tentang peranan dan fungsi PJI membuka minda dan mata kau tentang bahagian ini. Sebelah petang pula, setelkan hal-hal komputer dan juga Lotus Note dengan staf Unit IT. Kiranya aku masih belum melaksanakan apa-apa tugas lagi di sini.
Aku mengambil peluang bertukar di musim peperiksaan untuk memahami selok belok pengurusan peperiksaan akhir pelajar. Rugi rasanya kalau tak tahu pasal HEA sebab aku sendiri secara hakikinya adalah Penolong Pendaftar HEA. Respon dari Bos HEA amat positif bila aku suarakan permintaan untuk berada di HEA semasa musim exam. Hasilnya, separuh hari aku di PJI dan separuh hari lagi di HEA. It is fair enough for me.

So, hari ini adalah satu permulaan yang positif dan aku akan sentiasa mempositifkan diri aku sampai bila-bila....InsyaALLAH!

nota: seronoknya kalau aku dapat bercerita tentang pengalaman ini pada Ijam. Rindu awak sangat Be!

Bertukar

Hari ini aku selesaikan kerja-kerja mengemas ofis. Mulai esok (2/11) aku akan berkhidmat di Bahagian Akademik (HEA) dan dalam masa yang sama juga di Bahagian Penyelidikan (PJI). Pertukaran adalah perkara biasa dalam perkhidmatan di UiTM. Kalau tak berpindah kampus, berpindah bahagian pasti berlaku.
Aku positif dengan pertukaran. Aku harapkan pertukaran ini membawa sinar baru dalam perjalanan kerjaya aku. Menggarap pergi warna-warna kelam yang terlukis dalam kerjaya aku kebelakangan ini. Harap-harap pertukaran ini dapat mengembalikan kepercayaan orang kepada kebolehan diri walau tak banyak untuk dibanggakan.
Apa-apa pun boleh berlaku dengan kehidupan kita. Aku lebih positif dan redha dengan apa juga ketentuan hidup. Bukan mudah untuk aku sentiasa redha dengan apa yang berlaku tapi ianya berjaya aku pupuk selepas aku kehilangan Ijam. Ketiadaan Ijam memberikan impak yang sangat besar dalam hidup aku dan salah satunya adalah aku menjadi sentiasa redha dengan apa jua yang berlaku dalam hidup aku. Kematian Ijam juga membuka pintu kesedaran bahawa siapalah kita untuk menentukan apa yang kita mahu sedangkan ALLAH telah merencanakan hidup kita dengan lebih baik. Dengan redha, hati aku lebih tenang dan kurang rasa ingin memberontak.

02 November 2009 tarikh keramat aku di tempat baru dan dalam hati tersemat satu azam untuk memperbaiki kualiti diri dan kerjaya. Semoga perjalanan aku dipermudahkan olehNYA.